That’s what they say to me: “Eat a burger!” And that’s when they’re being nice.
“Honey, I’m so concerned for you. You’re too skinny. You really need to take care of yourself.”
“Not trying to overstep but are you okay? You’re so thin and it’s not cute.”
Let me break it down:
NO! I am not ok.
Within the last 5 months I have found out my son has a lifelong brain injury, my husband had a sexting relationship with another woman, my husband also betrayed me with his inappropriate relationship with a nanny, my husband filed for divorce via the tabloids, the police questioned my fitness as a mother, I took a new job as a podcaster, and I moved into a new home in California so I can devote family time to all of my kids during Hart’s therapy. Let me reiterate: all of this has happened within the last 150 days.
ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DAYS.
Despite all of this I am doing okay. No wait, I’m actually doing well. I’m living for my kids while trying to balance pushing for a career that I actually NEED for the first time since I got married.
Some days I want to scream (and I usually do), I get a lot of nerve-related pain that I am constantly trying to cure by releasing my emotional trauma (if you haven’t watched “Heal” then you need to, this is basically how I’ve started healing myself since my double cervical spinal herniations were diagnosed via MRI last April after reading a book by Jon Sarno), and my patience is tested by my kids who are adjusting to our new normal at their own pace and presenting as being extremely needy and whiney.
But y’all, I’M SKINNY.
I’ve always been thin.
For the record, I am naturally thin and I’ve always had a healthy relationship with food.
But right now, I am too skinny. I don’t like it. I won’t weigh myself because I’m scared to see what the scale says. When my clothes don’t fit I pretend like they do anyway. But I’m not hungry. I know I should eat but I’m surviving on adrenaline but decaying on stress (did I mention what has happened in the last 150 days? And let’s just really lay it on by being in the thick of the holidays). When I have a free minute I am either trying to work, responding to something that every person in the world deals with (like dusting windowsills or cleaning dishes or calling my mom back or going to Target), or thinking about how I need to eat but I’m not hungry. I’m not hungry.
This is the first time in my life I’ve counted calories and it’s in the opposite way most Americans do so.
I eat breakfast every day. That’s easy. Lunch is hard because it’s an annoyance: a stop in the middle of the day when I’m on a roll. So when I eat lunch I really go for it – all the carbs and all the protein. I don’t snack – never have. Dinner can go either way. The kids are asleep so I have time to eat and I do but usually I’m not very hungry.
But I digress. I agree, I’m too thin. Acknowledgement is powerful and allows me to psychologically take back control. However, you hurt me when you mention it. I’m working on it. Please, sit back and watch me thrive despite my setbacks. The best is yet to come. (Including love handles…those are coming soon. Okay I take that back…maybe not love handles – let’s not get crazy – but some meat on the old bones…)