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An Old Tale (that ends in a Tail)

We can’t wait to write more tales in our new house! For outfit details click here

This is an old tale that has been told many times before and will continue to be told.  We typically know this tale through oral history but any parent can write their own version.  The difference is that my tale ends in a tail…

This past weekend my husband had to work a bunch (aka “take a vacation” around these parts) so I manned the ship.  No, I WOmanned the ship.

The twins needed a bath so Aspen hopped in with them.  It was very cute and I didn’t take any pictures – of course.  I take out Hart while Girly Girl starts scraping on the door to come in.  Dog paws mixed with splash remnants on the floor transform into muddy paw-prints EVERYWHERE.  So I run downstairs with a naked baby in one arm and a hyper dog in the other, hoping not to trip down the non-code-conforming staircase that was built in 1930.   Aspen and Hayes are alone in the tub for the duration of Operation: Get The Dog In Her Kennel so I’m praying they don’t drown (either by accident or homicide because Aspen has recently gotten a lot of laughs out of what I call “cow tipping” except its performed on 10-month-old Edmonds twins).

Aspen and Hayes survived but I know I got another wrinkle out of that fear (“It only takes you turning your back and your kids WILL drown in the tub!” playing on repeat in my brain).

Next up: Aspen.  Easy peasy.  The hard part is trying to get Hayes to stop standing up in the tub while trying to dress a cold baby who I’ve just lotioned up.  But Aspen is fine.

Hayes out.  Now I have all three.

When I hear a splashing sound behind me.  Aspen is peeing on me.  ON ME!!!!!

Now, let me create a picture of this scene for you real quick.  The bathroom we are in is tiny, there’s room for a very standard sized tub, a toilet, and a single sink vanity.  I have three naked children plus myself in this very small area.  It is covered in muddy paw prints that I’ve tried to cover with the kids’ towels.  Aspen is poop trained and will potty on the toilet when she isn’t wearing a Pull-Up.  EXCEPT NOW.

Because Aspen thinks it’s effing hilariousssss when I turn around and very loudly say “Aspen!”  I told her I was disappointed.  She laughs.  I told her I was sad.  She laughs.  I try my very good fake cry to elicit some freaking empathy from this miniature monster and she pauses, thinks about feeling bad for me, then continues laughing before hoisting the bathroom door open (which opens up INTO the tiny bathroom within which four people are gathered) and narrowly missing Hayes’s head due to mama bear’s quick reflexes.  So far the best news of the night is that I’ve single-handedly avoided the ER… I’m still waiting on my Key To The City for my heroic action.

I half-ass mop up the pee with the kids’ adorable personalized Pottery Barn towels that are now covered in urine and dog prints.  And I even used the correct towel for the correct kid – that’s like homemade chocolate chip cookie status in Mom of 3 or More Land.

I get them all off to bed and think about how cute and perfect and joyous they are now that they are asleep.

As I hand wash the bottles, toys, high chairs, and whatever else they’ve managed to snot and drool on during dinner time, Girly Girl makes her way out the front door.  (Back story: the front yard is off-limits to her right now because we have a bunny nest – one that she found in the first place.  Since the front yard/invisible fence yard is off limits she isn’t wearing her shock collar.)  Once I realize this I make a beeline for the yard to scoop up my very naughty animal but she’s escaped.  I see her playing with what looks like a dead rodent in the driveway.  “My perfect baby Girly Girl is a bunny murderer!” I think as I run to get her in my urine socks (yep still haven’t changed) with my sleeves still rolled up from doing the dishes.

But to my elation I am wrong: Girly Girly is simply playing with the completely unharmed baby bunny that she must’ve taken out of its little hole 50 feet away to the driveway.  As I pick up the bunny I wonder if it will bite me or give me rabies but as a first responder I must put these thoughts out of my head and focus on the health and safety of my patient.  And just as gingerly as Clifford rescues cats from tall trees, I put the baby bunny back in its house with its siblings, and then I grounded Girly Girl.

All of you moms and dads out there are shaking your heads in solidarity with me right now… because this story is an old tale.  And what better way to end and old tale than with a cotton-tail.  The End.

PS I didn’t get rabies.

 

Click Here to watch an adorable video I took of the bunnies

 

19 Comments
  1. Your humility and sense of humor are laudable and refreshing. Even in my daily, non-celebrity life, people are not as magnanimous about recounting their travails while also recognizing that most parents face similar escapades in their lives every day. Each time you encounter these experiences, though, you totally earn a badge of honor for not curling up in a ball and giving up! That is not something a lot of parents can claim.

  2. I love your blogs and the way that you write!! The way that you describe the situations I can picture it well. Keep up the good work, sounds like you’re doing a terrific job with the kids. 😃 Motherhood suits you, you seem so happy!!

  3. Love this post!! You are coming out a champ!! So true this is an Old Tale I can almost guarantee that this has happened to so many mom’s out there bc Lord knows I have had it happen to me! Circumstances may not be exactly like yours but my 3 were stair stepped (exactly 18mos) between each one! And I know that I had a bathroom scene just like yours lol!! Keep up the good job your doing!!

  4. WTF is wrong with you? You are seriously delusional. First off you have more help, hired help, than most families! So while Jimmy ditched you once again, totally understandable, you were home with your hired help!

    Admitting you left two babies alone in the bathtub so you could put a dog in kennel because he was leaving muddy prints is not only unsafe, stupid, careless but DELUSIONAL! So once again I ask WTF is wrong with you?! Then to memorialize this shit show for attention is once again DELUSIONAL! You are so lucky that nothing happened to the babies while you were prancing through the house worried about muddy paw prints! Gosh Meghan what could be worse, your children drowning or a muddy floor?

    Aspen peeing on you in only a small dose of karma! I’m sure you tore into her because I’ve seen the way you treat her when she doesn’t do anything wrong.

    The bunny situation was another total shit show. You should have just left them alone. They did not need some mentally ill, spoiled and selfish woman looking after them. Your inability to supervise your dog to stay away from them was another shit show and accident waiting to happen.

    You try so hard to come across as a relatable mom. You are anything but that. You are an entitled spoiled brat so hungry for attention that you will do anything to get it. You are a half ass mother at best. Your actions dictate that you are not happy. Don’t be deceived by the bullshit comments you get from fans. You need help, you know it, I know it and Jimmy knows it.

  5. Love this and what I would’nt do to go back and time to raising 4 kids under 13. Hubby traveled “Con-Air”. Never failed everything went wrong the minute he left. What I realize now is that those days were actually the “easy” days! The teen years were in sane and the adult years for my children have been a roller coaster of highs and lows. But the biggest blessings we have from all of them is a total of 11 grandchildren. I love reading your blog and seeing your children documented as you enjoy these irreplaceable days watching them growing. Enjoy them immensely as they are gone in the blink of an eye. All the best to you and your beautiful family 💕

  6. Ha! That was an hilarous tale and sounds like my life. Im glad I can read this and feel as if Im not the only crazy mama out there and be a bit silly for getting so stressed with just one baby and you have three! Stay strong sista its bound to pay off . And I just got hit in the face with a flying toy as I type. Gotta go!

  7. I am quite shocked that you would leave two small children (one of them being a baby) unattended in a bath tub. This is not relatable and is very dangerous; you don’t even seem concerned by this and feel the need to brag about it with humour on your blog.. this is very stupid quite frankly. You should know better than not leaving a baby and a toddler alone in a bathtub…

  8. Does Aspen show any interest in being toilet trained? I’m betting the boys will be trained before she is.

  9. You’re handling mommyhood as well as the rest of us. Mine is almost 17 and I think I still have some days like this. (Thankfully, today was him stepping in dog poop and not me wiping his urine off of myself!!) The will to not strangle Will is stronger on some days than others. Alas, love prevails and I look at the gorgeous face I made and take a deep breath and thank God for him. Not quite as often as I should!! 🤣

  10. I could not believe what I was reading about leaving your two little kids alone in the bathtub! Surprised like the others who commented that you would even write about that dangerous act like it was no big deal. I am sure that CPS would have snatched those kids from your home in a hot NY minute if they had read that. YOUR children were very lucky that day that they did not drown. Please NEVER do that again! Walking around your house with urine soaked socks, yuck. Where is the common sense here?

  11. Megan, you have everything you already need, your children to cherish, your health… nothing else really matters, true happiness will follow… Stay strong x

  12. Your life even with the heartaches and Jim’s betrayal is filled with blessings like these moments and your strength and courage will get you through the toughest of times. My children are teenagers now and their years have been filled with fun childhood moments, broken bones that end up in trips to the ER and casts when none of us ever broke a bone. It is so tough to be a parent but you have your supportive family and together you will all be fine. My prayers for you and your family.

  13. You have always been my favorite, I can totally picture us being friends! I can totally relate to this story, and I love that you rescued the bunny 🙂 In spite of your fortune, you sound like a very hands on momma! Ive got friends in your position with a nanny for just about every situation, and I am not judging! Motherhood is hard! I’m also so very sorry for all the awful stuff you are going through. How dare he, your husband, be so selfish, reckless, jeopardize the happiness of your beautiful family. Sorry, I’m so pissed off for you. I really hope you can find a way to be ok. Regardless of what you decide. I’ll be thinking of you, and hope your little one, Hart, will be alright. Let’s be grateful for modern medicine! We know so much and have so many resources. Take care of yourself, you can’t be the momma they deserve if you are a hot mess. Hugs to you and your adorable babies!

    Claudia

  14. P.s. Ashley Wells is correct. A serious accident could have occurred. You can’t be an airhead around infants and water.

  15. Meghan, you are a fantastic writer. Your story about the kids in the tub and Aspen peeing on you was BRILLANTLY captured. I visualized the whole scene and you running down the stairs, I laughed so hard, I NEARLY PEED ON MYSELF !!!! I have a 22 year old daughter who is giving my husband and I a HORRIBLE time and reading your story really took me away and changed my perception of my life, even for a fleeting moment or two, I was able to focus on what was going on with YOU and escape my own DRAMA. MY WISH FOR YOU: Is to start journaling ALL your daily escapades whether good, bad, or naughty and slap them all together and voila you have a NEW BOOK that will make you MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. It would be a #1 seller and help so many Moms and Dad’s, going through difficult times.
    I know your life is full of unanswered questions right now…..But know that you eventually will have answers. You are a smart, savvy, beautiful lady and you will get through this trying time. TIME CURES ALL……Remember that LOVE should not be painful. YOU WILL BE FINE……I know this because I know you LOVE yourself. BE STRONG AND BE HAPPY.

  16. This is what is wrong with people today. No one is perfect and it’s nice to see someone willing to share the nitty gritty, and not just when it’s unicorns and rainbows. If you don’t like what she has to say, move along.

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